So the Lion fell in love with the Mutton (revisiting Twilight ten years later) – Part Two

Hello friends, humans, and other beings. Last week I decided to start re-reading Twilight and wrote about it. Today I read three chapters of Twilight because of who I am as a person. Sadly I’m only doing a quick blog as this weekend has been hectic and we ended up with an emergency appointment at the vets this afternoon (everyone is fine but the amount of pet medication I now have to administer daily makes me feel like a veterinary nurse myself). BUT I just have to enjoy and talk about Twilight whenever I can muster.

Chapter Three (Phenomenon) is mostly just Bella listing things she is or does. Remember when I said the writing wasn’t as bad as I remembered? This chapter made me take that back. Also featured, of course, is the infamous inciting incident of Edward saving her from being run over by a truck and then everyone following her to the hospital for some reason. We also see the beginnings of Edward really fucking with Bella and basically gaslighting her RE his weird superhuman abilities and saving her life, but obviously that’s just fine because he’s dreamy, amiright?

Chapter Four (Invitations) is basically just a bunch of boys asking Bella out and her just being Cher Horowitz about it – getting annoyed because ew and then setting them up with her friends instead.

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Also she talks about Edward a lot but he’s been ignoring her since the accident. That is, until the end of the chapter of course, when he asks her to go to Seattle with him and then warns her to stay away from him – because that is definitely not a red flag. Oh and this chapter features a glorious overuse of ellipses and we all know how I feel about that.

In Chapter Five (Blood Type), Edward plays with Bella’s head some more at lunch time. Then she passes out in Biology class because she’s got a thing about blood. Simple but kind, caring Mike tries to take care of her, but Edward is having none of that and carries her away from him. He also gets all shouty with her when she doesn’t want to let him drive her home at first and I really don’t want this to become about how disturbingly abusive Edward is (because that’s been written about plenty before, and far more articulately) but it does really bother me sometimes that young girls consumed this and were encouraged to think this behaviour was dreamy.

During these three chapters, in spite of the above, I did discover two ways to genuinely, seriously enjoy these books:

  1. Edward is some sort of gremlin.

Edward spent most of all three of these chapters snickering and chuckling, both in the background and foreground, usually at bizarre things (like thinking Bella has concussion or Bella nearly passing out). He also asks a bunch of strange and vague, irreverent questions and says some really sinister things to Bella. All of this is far more enjoyable when you imagine him as a gremlin or a particularly mischievous imp. In all honesty, I get the whole hopelessly in love with him thing then.

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  1. Bella is a VH1 Of Love Show contestant.

Bella is just so over the top – she’s constantly acting like she’s better than all the kids around her, with the implication being that it’s because she’s not into their high school drama but she is so high key dramatic and so unaware of it and I know I said this before, but honestly, I am living for it. The way she talks about Edward, this man she barely knows, is so obsessive and dramatic that I’m now picturing it as though she’s on one of those noughties VH1 shows I was am obsessed with and is trying her darned best to convince the audience and Edward of just how deserving she is to win.

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Bella having one of her scheduled cries over Edward ignoring her

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Bella about Jessica, probably.

To be honest, after these few chapters, my list for today is going to be…

Reasons I found Bella relatable this week that probably weren’t intentional:

  • Moans a lot about the weather.
  • Moans a lot about everything really, but doesn’t really want people to fix it or pay attention to her, just likes to have a moan.
  • Pretends she’s down to earth but gets all melodramatic at any and all opportunities.
  • Finds it annoying when boys fancy her (but sometimes secretly enjoys the drama it causes)
  • Thinks about just going back to bed instead of leaving the house on account of how clumsy she is.
  • Is weirdly obsessed with a gremlin.

Like I said, short but sweet! See ya next week!

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So the Lion fell in love with the Mutton (revisiting Twilight ten years later)

Twilight is a franchise about which I have a lot of opinions. Like, a lot. When the first movie came out, I loved it, devoured all the books (I had cripplingly low self esteem and a low key drinking problem, ok?), came gradually to understand it was badly written and problematic so hated it, briefly studied it at Uni in a film class I took, then started watching it “ironically” every few years with my sister and friends as a drinking game. Through this messy, complicated relationship, an awful lot of thoughts, feelings, and opinions were formed. I’m not going to go into them all – you’ve likely already heard most of them in the countless articles, blog posts, podcasts and videos that have tackled Twilight in the past ten years. I do feel the need to state that I adore the actors (who doesn’t have a crush on Kristen Stewart these days?), and their own hatred of the movie (Cedric Diggory Robert Pattinson is my homeboy) – just google ‘Twilight cast hates Twilight’, I implore you. Also I really like trees, and Twilight has lots of trees.

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One thing that bears mentioning here is that I have this real problem with things that are just that certain kind of bad – movies, books, junk food, music, anything really, I just get a little thrill out of it. I could write paragraphs about the hows and whys and whats, but for now let’s just call it the Nicholas Cage effect taken to the extreme. So, a few months ago, I had one of my little episodes where I just buy everything regardless of whether I actually want it, and I guess at some point during this time, I decided it would be funny to torture myself by re-reading Twilight. So I bought some limited edition box set that has white covers and red pages and would look real pretty on my book shelves if it wasn’t Twilight.

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Anyway, this morning, I finally felt masochistic enough to read a couple of chapters and I have decided I need to share it somewhere – mostly to make it look like re-reading Twilight at the age of 28 has an actual purpose. I’m not going to bother critiquing it; that’s no fun and has been done to death. I’m just going to embark on a journey where I read a chapter or two of Twilight a week and write whatever I think about it. It’s a one woman book club that I’m inflicting on anyone who clicks through.

Let’s go.

Intro/Chapter One: First Sight

My favourite thing is that the book opens with a quote from the Bible, just to make sure you, the reader, know that this is a really important and deep and intelligently-written story, and of course it’s Genesis 2:17 because the forbidden fruit isn’t an overused thematic device at all.

The first thing that struck me when I started re-reading the actual book was that it wasn’t quite as terribly written as I’d expected. I mean, it’s by no means good writing, but I have read a lot worse writing styles from far better and more beloved YA books. I did, however, get a very real sense of input from Joey Tribbiani – either Stephanie Meyer had gotten hold of some of his word of the day toilet paper, or he’d just shown her how to use a thesaurus. Some of it is too obvious, and it’s too much.

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An actual conversation Stephanie Meyer had with an editor, probably.

Bella is immediately unlikeable, drab, and ungrateful. I can’t believe I used to find her relatable and jump to defend her, but then I guess I was immediately unlikeable ten years ago too. Her dad buys her a car, and she’s just like “oh no it’s an old car this is terrible”. I mean, she thanks him after a while, but her immediate reaction is so frustrating. Can we also talk about how much I love Charlie? This is one of those franchises where the background characters are by and large far more interesting than the main characters and Charlie is probably my favourite character. He is a bit of a shite dad though.

We get to page nine before all the recycled “I’m not like other girls” Mary-Sue-ing starts, which is almost impressive, and can be summed up to “I’m pretty, but not too pretty, and like, I’m cool, but like, I’m also awkward and clumsy”.

One thing I genuinely love about Bella is that she knows just how much she wants to cry and when, and has terminology reflecting this. Last night I watched a 2010 X-Factor re-run and surprised myself by nearly ugly-crying at Niall Horan’s first audition, so I’m pretty much in awe of anyone who can pencil in their “real crying jag(s)” for later.

Bella is just a bit odd overall, though. Here’s a list of my favourite things she does in chapter one:

  • Spends most of the chapter moaning about moving to Forks, even though she’s told on, like, page one that she doesn’t have to.
  • Is “unnerved” by waterproof boots
  • Is rude to someone, calls it sarcasm, and then, because this boy doesn’t get it, decides that everyone in Forks must not have a sense of humour because…clouds? I wish I was joking.
  • Is literally rude to everyone, actually, and just doesn’t even bother learning people’s names.
  • Goes on and on about how she’s not like other girls, mocks small town gossip, and then can’t stop staring at the five hot people in the school and mining for gossip on them. That- that sounds like all teenagers to me, Bella, you edgy twit.
  • Is happy because a girl that’s made a genuine effort to be her friend got turned down by a boy she fancied?
  • Moans about doing PE but also does nothing except watch four Volleyball games for an hour I think?

But by far the best part of chapter one is also one of my favourite bits of the movie: when Bella sits by Edward in class and he acts like he just can’t fucking stand her. He literally just sits next to her for this whole class, as far away as possible, all stiffness and fists clenched, making disgusted faces at her, and she’s like sniffing her hair to try and figure out why. Then, at the end of the day, Bella goes to the school office and, of course, Edward is there, but he’s arguing with this poor receptionist (in an “attractive voice” – kill me) to be removed from the same class as Bella. Then he glares at Bella with “piercing, hate-filled eyes”. The best bit is that instead of being like ‘what the actual hell is wrong with this very strange dude who has decided to hate me for no reason?’, Bella drives home trying not to cry scheduling in a cry for later. It’s just so absurd, and hilarious.

Chapter Two (Open Book)

The opening of Chapter Two is “The next day was better . . . and worse.” and I’m feeling this because I have such a love/hate relationship with ellipsis – they are so overused and overdramatic, but also they are so overused and overdramatic! Bella is just so high key dramatic and so unaware of it. She then just lists reasons day two was better, then lists the reasons it was worse – one of the latter being that “Edward Cullen wasn’t in school at all” and I’d really forgotten how early on she becomes obsessed with him. But even though it was a bad thing that he wasn’t in school, she then goes on and on about how scared she is of seeing him again. It’s not presented as someone who is conflicted in their feelings, it’s just this boy was rude and weird to her once but he’s super hot so now she’s obsessed with him. Okay I guess.

So then she goes about her day, goes food shopping, emails her mum, reads Wuthering Heights (because of course), cooks for Charlie, blah blah blah, then she’s eating dinner and Charlie just starts monologueing at her about how amazing The Cullens are, even though he’s barely spoken so far, so being weirdly obsessed with them runs in the family I guess? (oh I’ve just realised there’s probably a world of Charlie x Dr Cullen fanfiction out there huh)

Then she continues on about her week quite boringly and Edward Cullen isn’t in school and that’s good but also bad. Then it snows and Edward is back. He and his brothers have had fun in the snow, but not his sisters apparently, and I’m starting to wonder if Bella is so dull because Stephanie Meyer has been so constricted by the social expectations of being both a woman and a Mormon that she has never had fun or enjoyed anything ever in her life and was entirely unaware it was possible for women.

At the end of Chapter Two our romantic leads interact properly for the first time. Bella goes to the same class from my favourite Chapter One scene and Edward is there again but this time he’s OVERLY NICE and it’s almost as funny. “Oh, I think everyone knows you’re name. The whole town’s been waiting for you to arrive.” Surely you do not think that’s a normal thing to say, Edward. The rest of the dialogue goes on with him encouraging conversation out of her and a bunch of stunted dialogue that is only a few levels away from porn dialogue, if not more pretentious. We learn a bit more about her mom and Bella doesn’t know why she’s telling him personal information, and notices he’s still clenching his arms, but seems vaguely okay with it all. Then the class ends and he runs away. The chapter ends with him laughing at her when she nearly hits another student’s car with her truck.

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Though not as long as chapter one, here’s another list of weird stuff Bella does:

  • Feels the need to comment on there not being a dishwasher in Charlie’s house and makes sure we know she’s done the dishes by hand. Wow. What a hero.
  • Sees snow in real life for the very first time but still finds ways to be miserable about it. Then the rain washes the snow away and that makes all of her friends sad but she is happy.
  • Blames Charlie for the small inconvenience of her being known as Isabella instead of Bella but she introduced herself to someone as Isabella in chapter one.
  • Is intimidated by Edward’s handwriting.
  • Is surprised and sad that her father remembers being married to her mother.
  • actually learns a bunch of people’s names. I’m so proud of her.

Now I may only be two chapters in, but overall, I really have no idea how ten years ago I thought this was romantic, how I did not see it as ridiculous, how a large percentage of an entire generation of Western women at one point thought this rude, cold, awkward dude was desirable and how eighteen-year-old me thought this was good writing. And yet I’m still excited to read more next week (I cannot cope with any more often than that).

If you’ve read this far, thank you, and please feel free to join me as I embark on this ridiculous journey.

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On the Ameer Vann situation

[Edit: this was written before Brockhampton announced Ameer had left the band – I believe that they have learned and now know more of the situation than we do, and completely trust their decision]

Last Saturday, allegations surfaced against Ameer Vann of Brockhampton for being emotionally abusive towards former partners and for having a sexual relationship with a minor. He reactivated his Twitter a few hours later (all of Brockhampton are currently deactivated, presumably as part of the build-up to Puppy) and issued an apology (which wasn’t great, but far better than many of the sort we’ve seen). I’ve spent a shameful amount of time since then lurking on the ‘Ameer Vann’ search on Twitter, and whilst I tweeted about it a bit, I wanted to talk about my feelings about this a bit further, because I’m seeing a lot of repetition of the two black and white sides, and I think this is one of the few occasions like this where for me, it’s very grey.

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Shut Up And Listen

After a few too many recent conversations that all had similar outcomes, I feel like social progress would be a lot easier if the loudest and most privileged people would let go of their egos and shut up and listen. As a non-straight woman, I definitely feel this when issues surrounding sexism and homophobia are brought up, and as a white person, it is my responsibility to shut up and listen to the experiences of people of colour.

I recognise that this can be a hard lesson to learn, but it is far easier than being a part of the unheard minority. It can be difficult to know where to start, but I think it’s really important that if you have a love of reading – be it fiction or non-fiction – then you make a conscious choice to incorporate the works of women, of people of colour, of the LGBTQ+ community into your bookshelves. If you have a love of music, the same applies, and so on. Ultimately, you don’t get to be the voice of reason in a conversation about racism if you’re white, and all of your opinions are informed by other white people. This goes for every minority group.

This is something I want to talk about a lot, because there’s a lot worth discussing, but for today I wanted to keep this as short and sweet as possible. Below are five books that I think are a good start for what I’m going to call ‘Shut Up and Listen’ books, but I think an even better place to start is Peggy McIntosh’s White Privilege: Unpacking The Invisible Knapsack ­– this can be found in free PDF format here, or further here. This is a quick and easy read, but is an important piece when it comes to shaping one’s understanding of privilege.

The Hate U Give – Angie Thomas

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Genre: Fiction, Young Adult
Deals with: Racism, Black Lives Matter

Asking For It – Louise O’Neill

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Genre: Fiction
Deals with: Rape and rape culture
(TW this is pretty brutal – if you’ve been through something like this, please proceed with caution)

Does My Head Look Big In This? – Randa Abdel-Fattah

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Genre: Fiction, Comedy, Religion
Deals with: Islam & Muslim women in Western society

Why I’m No Longer Talking To White People About Race – Reni Eddo-Lodge

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Genre: Non-Fiction, History, Politics
Deals with: Racism & Race relations in Britain and throughout British history

If You Could Be Mine – Sara Farizan

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Genre: Fiction, Romance, Religion
Deals with: LGBT youth in Iran, Islam, Queer Muslims

Top 5 Books of 2017

I was a bit behind in reading this year. In total, I read 26 books, which is a good few less than I would like, and my TBR pile has grown an awful lot. Around ten of the books I read were published this year, and I wanted to share my top five.

The Hate U Give – Angie Thomas

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“Sometimes you can do everything right and things will still go wrong. The key is to never stop doing right.” 

This book is incredible, and Starr is such a wonderful, important character. The book deals with being black in America in our current socio-political climate, through the eyes of a sixteen year old girl. After first reading this, I felt drawn to compare it to the To Kill A Mockingbird of our generation, but that sells the story and author way too short. This is far more important, given that this is a story that deals with racism told by a black voice, through a black voice. I would recommend this to anyone on either side of the Black Lives Matter movement. This book is big, and I’m so excited for the movie.

Hold Back The Stars – Katie Khan 

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Carys and Max have ninety minutes of air left. 
They are alone together. Drifting in space. 

This is a high concept romance novel set in the future. It’s particularly interesting to read as it’s the author’s debut novel, and she has previously worked on film, which sort of comes across in the writing and world building of the novel. Romance isn’t usually my thing unless it’s a subplot, but I really came to care for the characters in this book, and it was an original and beautiful story.

Traitor To The Throne – Alwyn Hamilton

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“My mother had raised me on a thousand stories of girls who were saved by the Djinn, princesses rescued from towers, peasant girls rescued from poverty.
Turned out, stories were just stories.
I was on my own.” 

I wrote a whole blog post about this book here. This is the second book in the Rebel of the Sands trilogy (final installment is out in February – yikes!) and I just love this world and the characters so much. It’s hard to not fall in love with all the characters for various reasons in these books, and harder to still to not fall in love with Alwyn Hamilton for creating them.

Pussy – Howard Jacobson

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“The Prince had no words and no interests and therein lay both his originality and – as could be attested to by the successes he had enjoyed on his travels – his popular appeal.”

I discussed this book in my Reading Challenge post here,  but this is a fantastical fairy-tale telling of Trump’s rise to power which encapsulates the bewilderment, frustration and defeat felt by many, whilst making the reader laugh, if not smirk, the whole time.

Tower of Dawn – Sarah J Maas

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“She would have an adventure. For herself. This one time. She would see her homeland, and smell it and breathe it in. See it from high above, see it racing as fast as the wind. She owed herself that much.”

I thoroughly enjoy all of Sarah J Maas’ work, though I’m not blind to some of the awkwardness or issues within her writing, but this was somehow refreshing. This is the sixth installment in the Throne Of Glass series, but takes place in the Southern Continent and runs along the same timeline as the fifth book. I won’t say too much as I don’t want to risk any spoilers for people not up to date with the series, but it’s always fun meeting new (and old) characters and discovering new places.

Ten Most Listened To Albums of 2017

2017 was a weird year for me musically. Whilst I’ve always had a soft-spot for pop music, it would not normally feature so heavily in my most played. Pop has been having a real moment this year though, and my old favourite genres have started to feel a bit repetitive and yawn-inducing. The albums I’ve listened to most this year are not all pop, and they are not all albums that have been released this year, and this list is not exhaustive of everything I’ve been listening to, but here are (probably) my top ten (below the cut)

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The Thoughtful Ferret Reading Challenge 2017

At the beginning of the year, I set myself the following reading challenge and have collected my results below:

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A book you’ve never read but have watched the film/TV adaptation of more than once:

Drive – James Sallis (2005)

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“Life sends us messages all the time – then sits around laughing over how we’re not gonna be able to figure them out.”

I’m no film buff, but in my opinion, Drive was a cinematic masterpiece with one of the most iconic and recognisable soundtracks of the last decade. I couldn’t count how many times I’ve seen this movie and this year I finally got around to reading the book. It was the sort of experience where, after finishing the book, I think I preferred the movie at first, but the more I thought about it, the more I preferred the book. I was a bit shocked, but also not at all shocked, to realise that Irene had been whitewashed in the movie, and, from various articles and interviews I’ve seen, this seems to be down to white men’s subconscious need to protect white women over Latina women. So, there’s that. But that’s the movie, and overall, this was a really fun read.

And let’s just all enjoy this beaut before we go on:

A book you last read over five years ago:

Children of the Dust – Louise Lawrence (1985)

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“She had to remember it…with all her senses she had to remember it, all the scents and sights of a world she might never see again.”

I think I first read this when I was in year 7 or 8, so around 2012. It always stuck with me, and I read it again around seven years ago. A young adult novel based around the effects of nuclear warfare, this sort of seemed pertinent to read again now. It’s a fairly easy read, given the subject matter, but so enjoyable. It is written beautifully, and there’s a lot to unpack in various areas. Your heart will break for the characters, from very early on, but I would recommend this book to anyone, regardless of age.

A book published the year you were born:

Good Omens – Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman (1990)

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“DON’T THINK OF IT AS DYING, said Death. JUST THINK OF IT AS LEAVING EARLY TO AVOID THE RUSH.”

Good Omens was a weird one for me. As it’s a few months since I read it, sometimes I remember it fondly, and other times I feel I did not enjoy it at all. Overall, I think, this was a fun read, and my first experience of Neil Gaiman, but I thought it came across a little dated, naturally. There were parts I laughed at, and I enjoyed the overarching story, but I found it a bit of a droll read at times. It’s always fun and games when Death shows up though.

Purchased from a charity shop:

Pussy – Howard Jacobson (2017)

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‘Pique is a quality not to be underestimated in the making of fools and tyrants.’
‘And which do you think he will be?’
‘The mistake is to think it has to be one or the other.’

I managed to pick this up for £1 which was a bargain. It was so fun. It’s a satirised fairy-tale telling of Trump’s rise to power, and whilst I’ve seen critics point out that it’s hard to make it work as a parody when Trump’s ridiculousness takes him beyond parody, it’s still fun to read.

A book in a genre you wouldn’t usually read:

For Your Eyes Only (James Bond #8) – Ian Fleming (1962)

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No, it would not be a beaver. They always move in pairs. And yet perhaps it might be a beaver.

Uuuugh. This was such a tricky book to choose because there’s so few genres I wouldn’t read from. I settled on spy novels because it’s rare they appeal to me, and James Bond specifically because there’s so many reasons I would never really pick one up. This is one of the short story books, and honestly the only thing that made it bearable was having fun underlining all the xenophobic/racist/sexist lines. My favourite part was probably when Bond got all fake deep in For Your Eyes Only or just Colombo in Risico.

A book you’ve judged by its cover:

One Of Us Is Lying – Karen M McManus (2017)

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“I guess we’re almost friends now, or as friendly as you can get when you’re not one hundred percent sure the other person isn’t framing you for murder.” 

I have a real soft spot for teen novels with ‘lying’ or ‘liars’ in the name. Don’t ask me why because I really don’t know. I saw the cover of this and bought it immediately because it screamed The Breakfast Club meets Pretty Little Liars – and it delivered. It also had pretty red page edges. It is what it is, just a really fun teen murder mystery with a twist.

On Bryan Cranston and being tired.

In case you missed it, last night Bryan Cranston had some choice words to say about the Weinstein/Spacey scandals. Essentially, he stated that in the future, there is room for forgiveness for them. He called for us to “be the bigger person”.

CW: sexual assault mentions

Bryan Cranston is not a bad man, to my knowledge. But he is a privileged man. He is a rich man. He is a white man. He is a man. These things have a tendency to make people ignorant to the struggles of others; to be self-congratulatory and “logical”, when all they are really doing is attempting to look like the smarter person whilst forgetting one very important thing: you cannot be entirely logical when ignoring the emotions and lived experiences of other people. We are human, we are not math problems.

I have seen and been a part of a lot of discourse since these scandals started to break, and I have read horrific beliefs and comments regarding sexual assault. I have read things that were intended to make me feel unsafe. But it took Bryan’s “kind on the surface” comments to upset me to the point of tears, to make me realise just how tired I am.

The thing is, I understand that his comments were coming from a good place, but they’re comments outside of his own experience. They are unnecessary. By choosing the words ‘bigger person’, he invalidated a wide range of peoples’ wide range of emotions. Wanting these men to rot, wanting their careers to be over, wanting to never see their faces again – none of this makes us small people, or bad people. We live with the daily effects of what men like that have done to us. Why is it our responsibility to be the bigger person? Whenever someone is racist, sexist, homophobic, Islamophobic – you name it – the target, the victim of the hate is always called on to be the bigger person. The minority always has to prove themselves by being the bigger person. It’s just another way to silence people and I’m over it.

Ultimately, Bryan, you do not get to decide whether or not these men are ever forgiven, whether their careers can be saved. That is the choice of their victims. To take those choices from the victims at any point is to remove the voice of the victim. That forced silencing is what led us to this situation in the first place.

Forgiveness should not even be a part of the narrative right now. These men have preyed on vulnerable people for years. To a point where it has become the status quo. The goal of airing this publicly, of getting these disgusting men fired from their jobs, is to reshape Hollywood, to try and repair the damage, and to make it a safer space for generations of actors moving forward. We need these men to know that we will no longer stand by while they abuse their power. Sexual assault changes and can ruin the survivors’ lives. We need the abusers to start facing the same repercussions. Hollywood HAS to change, and hopefully if we can change Hollywood, the rest of the world will start to follow suit. Inviting the idea of forgiveness into the narrative derails everything. Let’s make rapists afraid again.

Do you know the other reason I’m so fucking over it all though? These straight white men talk, and the spout their oh-so-logical holier-than-thou bullshit, and I can pick it apart, and I can discuss why they’re wrong, and yet there’s just this part of me that feels the need to defend them. “Oh, I *know* Bryan Cranston was coming from a good place but”, “Oh, I know that really he meant this and he did contextualise it in this way…” – I’m so sick of feeling the need to minimise my own anger and frustration and sadness and this vast range of emotions I feel as a woman and as a victim, just to protect these rich men’s feelings, just to prevent their fans coming at me and making me feel even shittier than I already do. I’m sick of seeing these men that I respect, that seem to be on our side, come out and invalidate our experiences. I’m sick of these people thinking they have any right to tell victims of sexual assault how to feel.

I’m just really fucking tired y’all.

Dook In Peace Katniss 

The weekend before last took a shocking and heart-breaking turn when we had to have our little sweet creature Katniss put to sleep. She’d had a few health problems, but it hadn’t seemed like anything too imminently serious, and she was due to have another few tests soon. I’d heard several warning stories about how ferrets can take very dramatic turns for the worse, and unfortunately this was the case here. 

On the Friday she’d been her usual playful, greedy, intrusive self. On the Saturday evening, around midnight we noticed she was very lethargic and walking like she was drunk. I checked on her at 7am on Sunday morning and she had enough energy to come over to me and grab on to my arm, but could barely move otherwise.

We rushed her to the vet, where they told us her blood sugar was dangerously low. We left her with them for several hours where they tried to stabilise her and ran some tests, but by lunch time, it seemed that her body did not want to fight, and further scans had suggested she had severe insulinoma and adrenal. After a lot of discussion of our options, and a lot of tears and cuddles, it was clear that the best option for her was to put her to sleep that day. 

She had the injections wrapped in her favourite blanket, with me stroking her head and Dean holding her paw. She went peacefully and surrounded by love and I think that’s the best we can hope for any of our pets.

I think she knew that morning what was happening. She hung on to me and just wanted to be held, she nuzzled into Dean’s chin when he was upset, she kept looking at us and making sure we were close when we were at the vets. I think that, even though she passed young, she was happy to the end.

I will always miss her. She and Haymitch were my first ferrets, and even though they are all incredibly special, she was the quickest to bond with us, and was the baby of the group, even when Finnick came and she wasn’t the youngest anymore. She loved a cwtch and she was a very special kind of derpy. She was first ferret I have lost. 

I will remember her so fondly. I will remember how she was unwanted, and I gave her a home, and filled it with toys and silliness and food and love and family. I will remember how happy she was, and how much she loved me; how she would follow me around the house, how she would nibble our ears, how she learned to gesture with her head like a person, how she brought so much joy into my life when at times I didn’t have much else of my own, how she always seemed to know when I was sad, how she just really loved having things thrown at her, how she was so perfect even Alaska The Anxious Cat loved her (on some level at least).


You were the most wonderful first ferret. Dook In Peace Katniss, I love you. 🌈 ♥

I Have Had A Man

I wrote this early this year whilst I was processing a lot of the issues I realised I’d repressed on some level or never addressed. I had no intention of sharing it, but after the Me Too movement this week, I kept coming back to it. I’m an anxious mess about it, but I’m sharing it.

CW/TW: sexual assault, sexism, NSFW below the cut.

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