So the Lion fell in love with the Mutton (revisiting Twilight ten years later) – Part Ten

I did it again. I read four chapters (or rather three chapters and an epilogue) of Twilight in one morning. Which means that this is the last instalment of STLFILWTM!

Honestly, this was mostly so that I could keep these posts at the nice round number of ten. But without further ado:

So the Lion fell in love with the Mutton (revisiting Twilight ten years later) – Part Nine

I did it. I read four chapters of Twilight in one morning. I think I’m starting to see in sparkles and despair. We are at the point now where the story actually starts getting engaging (you know, in the last quarter of the book, like all good stories) – and now that the plot has some actual drama to it, Bella is disappointingly a lot less over-dramatic. This also means that there’s a lot less to poke fun at, but every rose has it’s thorn I guess.

So the Lion fell in love with the Mutton (revisiting Twilight ten years later) – Part Eight

Afternoon Twilight fans and non-fans! What was the nickname for Twilight fans? Was there one? Who knows.

You may have noticed that last weekend felt empty, bereft of joy and hope, had a very real tinge of despair? I’m sorry – that’s my fault as I took a break from being a dickhead about Twilight to be a dickhead about everything else. It was my housemate/BFF’s 30th birthday, and I was either having a lot of fun, drinking too much, or being cripplingly hungover, but I certainly wasn’t reading Twilight. Apologies.

To repent, and put myself through a similar level of despair, I was going to double down this week and do four chapters. Unfortunately, this weekend took on a hellish quality of it’s own, and I can only bring you the standard two. I will also state now, that it may not be as fun as usual, as by the nature of the weekend my mood is soured, and I felt more angry than amused at our star-crossed lovers’ gremlin-like antics.

I still enjoyed myself, though, and that’s what matters.

If you’ve missed any of the previous posts, clicky the following, if not, clicky the ‘more’ button.

Part One || Part Two || Part Three || Part Four || Part Five || Part Six || Part Seven

So the Lion fell in love with the Mutton (revisiting Twilight ten years later) – Part Seven

Hey all, happy Sunday again!

This weekend has been a bit of an exciting one, not least because I got to read another two chapters of Twilight both ironically and un-ironically! More on the other reasons soon (maybe), but for now, go read chapters fourteen and fifteen of Twilight and join me in moaning as much as Bella, or just trust me and enjoy my nonsense below the cut!

So the Lion fell in love with the Mutton (revisiting Twilight ten years later) – Part Six

Evening all. I greet you with some sad news: today I bring you only one chapter of Twilight. I had work today (which obviously I don’t usually on Sundays), and after one chapter of Twilight, the day seems to have gotten away from me, and I have zero desire to read any more. I also felt very let down by this chapter, because I’m pretty sure Bella didn’t mention despair once. So maybe I made this for nothing:

If you don’t love The Princess Bride jokes, you can leave now.

If you’re new here, you might wanna check out these before proceeding:

Part One  ||  Part Two  ||  Part Three  ||  Part Four  ||  Part Five

Chapter Thirteen (Confessions)

Guess what Edward does in the sun! He glitters! I feel like this was the main thing that anyone actually took away from this book, and also one of the main criticisms because glitter is gay (✓) and gay is bad (✗) and vampires should be cool (✓) not gay (✗). Had anyone saying this stuff ever consumed any other vampire shit before? I feel like no. Not that I want to defend Twilight, but re-imagining monsters happens all of the time, and vampires have always been pretty gay (in my humble, pretty gay opinion).

Anyway, they chill in the meadow for ages. Bella stares at Edward a lot and strokes his arm, and they get some pretty deep conversation going. Then Bella tries to kiss him (I think? Or leans in towards him cause his breath smells so tasty) and, just like a magical gremlin imp, Edward disappears to the other side of the meadow. He then gets super dramatic and over the top, showing off his speed and strength and shouting at Bella how she could never outrun him or fight him off and he sort of reminds me of those teenage boys that were angry at women and wanted to shout and exert their power over you, and prove how damaged and pained they were, when in reality they hadn’t really been through that much and weren’t very deep at all. Then he gets all apologetic and promises he is on his best behaviour, and yep, teenage boy ew.

They keep talking and Edward starts explaining his feelings for Bella with some more depth – yaknow, how he really wants to kill her, etc, standard boy things – and what he was thinking and feeling in my favourite scene of Chapter One. Also how Bella is his own personal brand of heroin (no). Then he awkwardly positions his head on her chest for ages and its really uncomfortable and weird, for me at least. When it’s time to go Edward gives Bella a super fast piggyback through the forest, which sounds all kinds of fun, and then they do kiss before getting in the truck.

Things I would like to address today are as follows:

• “His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut” – Edward wears purple eyeshadow to make his eyes look more dramatic. I said it, so it’s true.
• Bella keeps talking about how delicious Edward’s breath smells, which, ok, I will let go because he is a mystical being, BUT Edward talks about how good Bella’s breath smells and he’s a liar because she talks too much shit for that to be true (also no one’s breath smells good all the time especially to a vampire with heightened senses)
• They somehow kind of romanticise heroin. Obviously.
• I think this is the chapter where (abuse aside), we really see how suited Edward and Bella are, because even though she was dramatic and scheduled a cry after their initial meeting, he had to outdo her on the drama front and ran away to Alaska.
• Edward throws in a jab at Jessica too, leave the poor girl be.
• We got to this bit:

  

  ayyy it’s where my title is from ayyy

Also another section that everyone used to have in their MSN names or badly edited on their Myspace. Look I found one!

• Edward tries to gently kiss Bella and girl just goes ALL IN and tries to eat his face off and dry hump him or something, and he has to stop her. Poor lass.
• BELLA DESCRIBES EDWARD’S GRIN AS IMPISH SHE IS FINALLY CATCHING ON. I’m so happy and proud. She’d better say Gremlin in a few chapters time.
• Edward kisses “back and forth” from her chin to her jaw and that just looks really funny in my head.

Sigh. The end. I promise I’ll stop being so short and sweet soon. Thanks and love you.

P.S. I found this tweet this week and it’s everything:

Edward Cullen when Bella first walked into the classroom pic.twitter.com/tUYUTLmjKl

— K A N D Y (@radandbougie) August 11, 2018

So the Lion fell in love with the Mutton (revisiting Twilight ten years later) – Part Five

Hey bitches, it’s Sunday! Which means it’s time for another entry of me reading Twilight and pretending I’m doing it ironically! This weeks sees us getting through two more chapters, and I’m gonna go ahead and spoil it for you, but almost nothing interesting happens. Almost.

Part One  ||  Part Two  ||  Part Three  ||  Part Four

Chapter Eleven (Complications)

In Chapter Eleven, we see Bella and Edward going about their days as usual but now they’re asking each other lots of questions and learning about each other. It could be sweet, but of course the dialogue continues to be stilted and it all comes across quite peculiar. Bella also discovers a new sexual – sorry “electric” – charge between them when they’re plunged into darkness to watch a movie in Biology. Mike has a little sulk because he doesn’t like that Bella and Edward are a thing, and Bella has a sulk because Edward listens into this conversation. At the end of the chapter, Edward drops Bella home and they talk in the driveway for a bit, but then a “complication” occurs when Jacob and Billy Black show up and Billy makes it clear he believes the rumours about the Cullens. As usual, here’s my thorough analysis broken down into dramatic bullet points that serve absolutely zero intellectual purpose:

• Edward is a shark. Edward Cullen is a shark. He describes his hunting in more detail and he is not a vampire after all, just a shark wearing people skin.
• In Biology class, the teacher wheels in a TV on a stand and let me tell you, that nostalgic surge of excitement was real.
  
• Bella reacts so weirdly to things. If you actually picture someone doing the things she says she does, you would think they were incredibly rude or unwell. At one point she is in a conversation with Mike, who says something about not liking the way Edward looks at her, and she just giggles, waves and then walks away.
• Bella is genuinely (and rightfully) upset that Edward keeps invading her privacy to listen to her & her friends talk about him, but he refuses to say he won’t do it again. Why is he like this?
• Edward continues to chuckle at strange and inappropriate moments.
• EDWARD SAYS THE NAME OF THE BOOK IN THE BOOK. It was awfully exciting. Here, I took a photo:
  
• It turns out that in all the time that has passed since Bella moved to Forks, she has listened to one CD. Even though she’s always trying to make out like she’s more cultured than other girls and basically namedrops Debussy at the start, but whatever.
• Bella is afraid of being honest about her feelings for Edward in case he gets angry. Bella, you might be a mess but you deserve better. Also more proof he is a weird gremlin.
• Bella groans internally and so do I at this mess of a book.

 

Chapter Twelve (Balancing)
Chapter Twelve picks up right where we left off in Chapter Eleven – Jacob and Billy Black have come over to watch the game, and Bella is hesitant to leave Billy alone with Charlie because he may or may not know/suspect that Edward is a vampire. As per, nothing too exciting happens, except Charlie “smiled his crinkly-eyed smile” and I swooned. The next day is Friday and only one day until Bella and Edward’s big date to the forest. She’s very excited but Edward is still all creepy about the fact that he might turn into a shark and eat her. Edward explains that the rest of the Cullens are very uncomfortable about the whole situation because if he fucks up, it might expose them and ruin their carefully cultivated lives, which seems pretty fair if I’m honest. Alice is understanding though so is taking him hunting after lunch so that he is well fed in preparation. Bella finally meets Alice briefly here too. The rest of the day passes somewhat uninterestingly. Then the big day arrives, and Bella and Edward go hiking and she’s finally going to see him in the sun. They hike to a beautiful sunny meadow, which does sound lovely, and then Edward steps out of the shadows of the trees and…

Boom. Cliffhanger. What could possibly happen next?

Very rude, but here’s my thoughts.

• Edward tells Bella that he is fascinated by her because she’s unpredictable, but literally all I’ve seen her do so far is mope around being a boring, predictable teenager with no real friends, so yet again I’m confused.
• I’m so happy to see Alice again properly. I used to fancy her a lot and wished I lived in a world where, after Edward leaves Bella in New Moon (spoilers omg!!!), Bella and Alice fall in love. I think I’m probably going to hate Alice this time, but I was in love with her then, so we’ll see.
• Bella is scared about the trouble it will cause Edward and the Cullens if he accidentally eats her, so she runs around making sure no one thinks she’s with Edward on Saturday. Girl is committed.
• There’s this whole scene where she takes cold medicine to make sure she falls asleep on Friday night, and I’m not saying I haven’t been there, but the whole thing is so weird. It’s practically a pointless scene and it’s written so strangely and awkwardly. ‘I normally wouldn’t condone that type of behaviour in myself’. Yet again, though, this makes sense if we picture Bella as a reality TV queen who strives to make everything she does ~dramatique~
  
• Bella lies to and manipulates Charlie and he’s all like “you’re sure easy to live with Bell” – I think because she doesn’t demand his attention and cooks for him and doesn’t talk to him much? CHARLIE I LOVE YOU BUT BE A FUCKING FATHER YOU NUMPTY.
• There wasn’t as much Belladrama^TM content today, so it was very easy to pick a favourite, sadly – “He was too perfect, I realized with a piercing stab of despair.” It’s always despair. Bella is so full of despair. Why is she always so full of despair?
• I promise that I’ll try not to go on about this every time, but Edward is Abusive Boyfriend 101. It’s just so plain to see and I don’t get how I didn’t ten years ago. A whole generation of girls were raised in a way that meant they were happy to accept that this bullshit was romantic, and then the whole franchise further reinforced that. Not to be all dramatic and, well, Bella about it, but no wonder we’re all so fucked up.

And on that happy note, it’s a wrap and we are officially half way through! These are such exciting times we live in! I feel like my GIF and original image usage haven’t been as on form this week. I promise I’ll do better. See ya next week!

So the Lion fell in love with the Mutton (revisiting Twilight ten years later) – Part Four

After what seems like an eternity of shocking heat (by Wales’s standards), this weekend the weather finally broke and we’ve had a proper dreary Swansea Sunday, which meant me laying in bed and reading three chapters of Twilight before my day even started. I am still only allowing myself to read it on Sundays, as I carry on with my other current reads throughout the week, but I do find myself getting a little carried away at times. So today I got through chapters eight, nine, and ten. Gremlin Boy was back so I was entertained.

On a side note, I made a new navigation bar last week so please enjoy that, but in case you don’t even go here:

Part One  ||  Part Two  ||  Part Three

A brief heads up: r*pe mentions in this post – nothing too OTT or dramatic but there’s implicated intentions in the chapters and I mention it in my ramblings.

Chapter Eight (Port Angeles)

Potentially the most boringly named chapter so far, and yet the chapter when things finally start getting interesting and Edward reaches peak creep (jk there’s far worse to come). Off Bella goes on her “girls’ day out” with Jessica and Angela to Port Angeles, which is prettier than Forks because tourists go there. She splits up from the girls briefly to look for a book store (because Bella is the only girl in the world who enjoys books, don’t forget) but of course she gets lost, then gets cat-called by a bunch of creepy older dudes and then basically herded into a trap by them with pretty sinister implications. Edward saves the day and takes her to dinner instead.

As always, I have many thoughts, and as its been working well for me so far, I’m just going to bullet point them:

• Bella needs to stop referring to her dad as “The Chief”. She should be proud Charlie is her dad and own it. This is a Charlie fan-club and everyone else can go home.
  
• Bella has the cheek, the sheer audacity, to refer to something other than herself as “whiny”.
• I’ve decided Angela is gay now and we’re best friends. Bella should probably just date her instead.
• Bella refers to her bad mood as “the gloom” and I’m going to copy this in my personal life from now on. Except with a capital T and a capital G and maybe a little TM in there too.
• As far as I can tell, Bella is literally looking for a book on vampires because she sincerely believes that the boy she fancies *is* a vampire BUT she’s still going to go ahead and look down on a bookstore that stocks crystals and promotes spiritual healing?
  
• I think my favourite Belladrama^TM of today is when she says she is “wrestling with despair” over the fact that Edward might still be out of town.
• OK SO REAL TALK SORRY BUT Edward gets real fucking angry when he rescues Bella from potential rapists, and explains that he could see their thoughts and yet he makes the decision to not act on his anger because it would “be better that way” – they’re fucking rapists Edward, fuck keeping your family’s secret or whatever. Also, neither Bella nor Edward call the cops or anything, so these guys are probably just going to do whatever they were going to do to Bella to some other girl. Like. I’m super pissed.
• UGH SHE CALLS HIM HER PERPETUAL SAVIOUR FUCK THIS NOISE
• He sort of gets controlling about her eating – not in a necessarily overt way but definitely in a “would want to keep an eye on that” kind of way but then he’s a vampire and can’t eat so maybe watching her eat is like a kink?
• Yet another moment that makes me think Stephanie Meyer has never interacted with society properly – the waitresses in the restaurant are super rude to Bella because they fancy Edward. They turn their back to her and make it clear they resent serving her. People just aren’t like that and it’s bad customer service ok.
• Edward basically puts the blame on Bella for getting herself into “trouble” several times and it’s super icky.

-x-

Chapter Nine (Theory) & Chapter Ten (Interrogations)

I’m lumping these two together because the whole of Chapter Nine is just one scene – Edward driving Bella home from the restaurant – and Chapter Ten is basically just them picking up the same conversation in school again the next day. The drive home is also the scene where Bella is like “you’re a vampire” and Edward’s all like “*points at teeth* duh”.

Having not read the book in ten years, I was very disappointed to recall that this conversation in no way happens like that ridiculous and dramatic trailer-bait forest scene in the movie. It’s just this chilled out car ride where they dance around the topic before delving right in and just talking out the vampire stuff like they’re discussing their favourite restaurants.

So then in Chapter Ten Edward picks Bella up for school and they talk some more. Then Jessica wants all the gossip after seeing them together, so Bella and Jessica finally have a proper bit of on-paper dialogue that’s not entirely one-sided, but obviously it’s all about Edward and Mike. Edward listens in to the conversation and addresses it with Bella at lunch. He also tells her a bit more about his hunting habits (mountain lion is his favourite blood in case you were wondering) and then they arrange to go somewhere on the weekend so Bella can see what happens to Edward in the sun.

• Edward explains that he followed Bella’s scent. This is before they’ve addressed the vampire issue and Bella just takes it on the nose like ‘sure that’s what people do’.
• “Holy crow!” Bella genuinely curses like Robin from 1960s Batman.
• Edward needs to educate himself on human vegetarianism – tofu and soy satiate my hunger quite nicely thank you very much.
• Edward’s attitude towards Bella keeps bouncing around the place and I can barely keep track and I don’t think he can either
• Chapter Nine ends with that “about three things I was absolutely positive” bit that everyone used to quote and meme so that was exciting. I feel like there were loads of terrible edits on everyone’s Myspace of this for a while? I had to do a google and found a few familiar looking ones. Here’s my favourite:

  

  (my favourite part is that it’s clearly meant to sparkle and it doesn’t)

• Edward pretty much tells Bella off for not being dramatic enough, what the hell dude.
• Part of me wonders if Edward creates scenarios to rescue Bella from. Go with me on this one, but he says he can read minds, clearly can manipulate people (or “dazzle” as Bella calls it) and she’s clearly into the fact he keeps saving her.
• Also Edward keeps being all:
  

because gremlins are also dramatic and over the top I’m guessing.

Anyway I think that’s it for today, mostly because my laptop keeps threatening to die. The offer is still very wide open if anyone wants to delve into re-reading alongside me. Just saying.

I’ll leave you with this because I found it by accident and it tickled me:

 

 

So the Lion fell in love with the Mutton (revisiting Twilight ten years later) – Part Three

Yep, I’m still going at this and I am going to have to find a way to shorten that title.

PART ONE || PART TWO

Today I read chapters six and seven of the masterpiece that is Twilight and we didn’t see Edward once. Two whole chapters without my gremlin friend. I was, quite frankly, appalled. I did however make this:

Y’all are welcome.

I mean what else is there to say? Bella practically ceases to exist when Edward is around so chapters six and seven were resoundingly empty so that’s my blog for today, thanks for coming, bye bye.

JOKES JOKES JOKES

Chapter Six (Scary Stories)

The story is actually becoming a story at this point, instead of a strange VH1 contestant moping around and finding things to be miserable about (spoiler: she’s still miserable though). In chapter six, Bella tags along on a beach trip with the kids from school and we finally meet Jacob. I’m not sure if I’m happy to see him or if I’ve just become really fond of Taylor Lautner over the years (and that llama that looks like him). Bella starts fake flirting with Jacob to get him to tell her what he knows about the Cullens and the dialogue is very forced, but Jacob basically says “oops haha I am not meant to talk about our history but here you go girl I don’t really know have a pretty decent summary of everything I know” and tells her all about the Quileute lore and that the Cullens are cold ones aka vampires. He tells it very dramatically and that’s obviously why Bella kind of fancies him too. That’s about it for the main story this chapter, but as always I am left with a few things I would like to address.

1. Throughout the first five chapters, Bella has gone way out of her way to moan about make sure we know just how loud the engine of her truck is, but in the first few sentences of this chapter, Edward returns her truck silently in spite of her listening out for it. Maybe this is explained later. I really hope it is. Otherwise this is just dumb. It’s probably still dumb anyway, but yeah. Dumb.
2. Oh my god I HATE how her relationship with Jessica is written. They are always so catty about each other and in this chapter Jessica gets mad because Bella won’t gossip with her about her lunch with Edward last chapter. I just feel like this could have been done so much better. Meyer could have given Bella the chance to build a warm, female, human friendship where they shared with and confided in each other, and this could have created a far more interesting dynamic as Bella started speaking to Edward and gradually kept more and more secrets from her best friend. I just think it’s such a shame that Bella doesn’t get a chance to have more fulfilling human friendships with other women, especially when she’s clearly intended as a projection of the reader.
3. Once again Bella cringes when someone calls her Isabella even though she introduced herself as Isabella at one point earlier in the book.
4. She describes Jacob’s hand as “sleek” and honestly I don’t think I’ve ever heard the term “sleek hand” before and I hope I never do again. Even though I made this:

   

   Sorry Niall, sorry God.

5. I am living for Bella learning how to have boys pegged; Jacob looks at her a certain way and she’s just like “oh look at him fancying me, well join the list buddy! It’s long and I don’t care.”
6. At one point Bella attempts to flutter her eyelashes at Jacob when she’s doing her fake flirting thing and I’m just picturing her like
7. Bella now has an even bitchier relationship with a girl named Lauren who I don’t think she’s really mentioned before.
   • On the one hand Lauren is a bitch but on the other hand Bella definitely deserves it.
   • Bella describes Lauren as having “pale, fishy eyes” and I had two reactions:
     1. PALE FISHY EYES WTF WHO DESCRIBES PEOPLE LIKE THAT
     2. Me. I describe people like that.

Chapter Seven (Nightmare)

I only just read this chapter in the last hour and I’ve already forgotten what happens in it so obviously it wasn’t that great. Bella tries to stop her brain working by bl­asting music into it and singing herself to sleep. The next day she uses her shitty old computer to google vampires, then she realises that that’s a bit mad so instead she goes for a wander into a forest alone (the same forest she had a nightmare about the previous night) because she is a very sensible human being. She talks a lot about whether or not she believes Edward is a vampire and lists a bunch of things and gets confused about how to proceed for ages, but then decides to do nothing. How exciting. Edward doesn’t show up for school again for a couple of days. She tells Mike that Jessica fancies him. The chapter ends with her about to go shopping with Jessica and Angela. What a thrilling cliff-hanger and absolute page-turner of a chapter. And as expected, my notes:

1. OHMYGOD when she was talking about her dial-up internet and slow modem and pop up ads I could feel myself getting really frustrated at it as though it were right in front of me. You know that special kind of frustration that’s a very certain pressure band across your chest and is reserved only for slow technology? I felt it. Best bit of writing yet.
2. My favourite BellaDrama^TM from today was when she’s talking about the relief of finally making a decision and “sometimes the relief was tainted by despair, like my decision to come to Forks”.
3. She tells Mike the subject of the essay she’s been doing for class – “whether Shakespeare’s treatment of the female characters is misogynistic” and in spite of being in the same class as her, Mike stares at her like she’s “just spoken in pig Latin”. If Stephenie Meyer thinks that this is a complex phrase, it explains an awful lot.
4. There’s this really awkward scene with Charlie where Bella is telling him she’s going dress shopping with the girls for the prom even though she’s not going to prom, and he can’t get it through his head why she’s going shopping with them if she’s not going to prom with them. It comes down to this weird he’s a man so couldn’t possibly understand girly things and of all the weird misogynistic and problematic nonsense these books spout, this is just the worst*.

*Disclaimer: I reserve the right to call anything and everything “the worst” at any given time on any given subject depending on my mood.

I wanted to end this on a slightly more serious note today, seeing as we have now met Jacob and co. I was always unsure of how problematic the Quileute are in this story, so today I did a bit of a google, and I don’t think I realised until today that they are an actual Native American tribe. As a white Brit, I’m well aware I have no place in this conversation, but I would urge anyone who’s interested to do some research into this, even if it’s just a quick google to educate yourself about the real Quileute. It seems like there’s a lot of nuance and layers at play. Here are some bits I found interesting:

Sucking the Quileute Dry

No Twilight Saga Here: Celebrate Accurate Quileute Culture at Quileute Days

Thanks for playing along again! See you next week hopefully, probably, maybe for chapter eight and hopefully we’ll see our gremlin boy again!

Here’s a cute photo of Siberia while I was reading/note-making/drinking tea earlier:

So the Lion fell in love with the Mutton (revisiting Twilight ten years later) – Part Two

Hello friends, humans, and other beings. Last week I decided to start re-reading Twilight and wrote about it. Today I read three chapters of Twilight because of who I am as a person. Sadly I’m only doing a quick blog as this weekend has been hectic and we ended up with an emergency appointment at the vets this afternoon (everyone is fine but the amount of pet medication I now have to administer daily makes me feel like a veterinary nurse myself). BUT I just have to enjoy and talk about Twilight whenever I can muster.

Chapter Three (Phenomenon) is mostly just Bella listing things she is or does. Remember when I said the writing wasn’t as bad as I remembered? This chapter made me take that back. Also featured, of course, is the infamous inciting incident of Edward saving her from being run over by a truck and then everyone following her to the hospital for some reason. We also see the beginnings of Edward really fucking with Bella and basically gaslighting her RE his weird superhuman abilities and saving her life, but obviously that’s just fine because he’s dreamy, amiright?

Chapter Four (Invitations) is basically just a bunch of boys asking Bella out and her just being Cher Horowitz about it – getting annoyed because ew and then setting them up with her friends instead.

Also she talks about Edward a lot but he’s been ignoring her since the accident. That is, until the end of the chapter of course, when he asks her to go to Seattle with him and then warns her to stay away from him – because that is definitely not a red flag. Oh and this chapter features a glorious overuse of ellipses and we all know how I feel about that.

In Chapter Five (Blood Type), Edward plays with Bella’s head some more at lunch time. Then she passes out in Biology class because she’s got a thing about blood. Simple but kind, caring Mike tries to take care of her, but Edward is having none of that and carries her away from him. He also gets all shouty with her when she doesn’t want to let him drive her home at first and I really don’t want this to become about how disturbingly abusive Edward is (because that’s been written about plenty before, and far more articulately) but it does really bother me sometimes that young girls consumed this and were encouraged to think this behaviour was dreamy.

During these three chapters, in spite of the above, I did discover two ways to genuinely, seriously enjoy these books:

1. Edward is some sort of gremlin.

Edward spent most of all three of these chapters snickering and chuckling, both in the background and foreground, usually at bizarre things (like thinking Bella has concussion or Bella nearly passing out). He also asks a bunch of strange and vague, irreverent questions and says some really sinister things to Bella. All of this is far more enjoyable when you imagine him as a gremlin or a particularly mischievous imp. In all honesty, I get the whole hopelessly in love with him thing then.

2. Bella is a VH1 Of Love Show contestant.

Bella is just so over the top – she’s constantly acting like she’s better than all the kids around her, with the implication being that it’s because she’s not into their high school drama but she is so high key dramatic and so unaware of it and I know I said this before, but honestly, I am living for it. The way she talks about Edward, this man she barely knows, is so obsessive and dramatic that I’m now picturing it as though she’s on one of those noughties VH1 shows I was am obsessed with and is trying her darned best to convince the audience and Edward of just how deserving she is to win.

Bella having one of her scheduled cries over Edward ignoring her

Bella about Jessica, probably.

To be honest, after these few chapters, my list for today is going to be…

Reasons I found Bella relatable this week that probably weren’t intentional:

• Moans a lot about the weather.
• Moans a lot about everything really, but doesn’t really want people to fix it or pay attention to her, just likes to have a moan.
• Pretends she’s down to earth but gets all melodramatic at any and all opportunities.
• Finds it annoying when boys fancy her (but sometimes secretly enjoys the drama it causes)
• Thinks about just going back to bed instead of leaving the house on account of how clumsy she is.
• Is weirdly obsessed with a gremlin.

Like I said, short but sweet! See ya next week!

So the Lion fell in love with the Mutton (revisiting Twilight ten years later)

Twilight is a franchise about which I have a lot of opinions. Like, a lot. When the first movie came out, I loved it, devoured all the books (I had cripplingly low self esteem and a low key drinking problem, ok?), came gradually to understand it was badly written and problematic so hated it, briefly studied it at Uni in a film class I took, then started watching it “ironically” every few years with my sister and friends as a drinking game. Through this messy, complicated relationship, an awful lot of thoughts, feelings, and opinions were formed. I’m not going to go into them all – you’ve likely already heard most of them in the countless articles, blog posts, podcasts and videos that have tackled Twilight in the past ten years. I do feel the need to state that I adore the actors (who doesn’t have a crush on Kristen Stewart these days?), and their own hatred of the movie (Cedric Diggory Robert Pattinson is my homeboy) – just google ‘Twilight cast hates Twilight’, I implore you. Also I really like trees, and Twilight has lots of trees.

One thing that bears mentioning here is that I have this real problem with things that are just that certain kind of bad – movies, books, junk food, music, anything really, I just get a little thrill out of it. I could write paragraphs about the hows and whys and whats, but for now let’s just call it the Nicholas Cage effect taken to the extreme. So, a few months ago, I had one of my little episodes where I just buy everything regardless of whether I actually want it, and I guess at some point during this time, I decided it would be funny to torture myself by re-reading Twilight. So I bought some limited edition box set that has white covers and red pages and would look real pretty on my book shelves if it wasn’t Twilight.

Anyway, this morning, I finally felt masochistic enough to read a couple of chapters and I have decided I need to share it somewhere – mostly to make it look like re-reading Twilight at the age of 28 has an actual purpose. I’m not going to bother critiquing it; that’s no fun and has been done to death. I’m just going to embark on a journey where I read a chapter or two of Twilight a week and write whatever I think about it. It’s a one woman book club that I’m inflicting on anyone who clicks through.

Let’s go.

Intro/Chapter One (First Sight)

My favourite thing is that the book opens with a quote from the Bible, just to make sure you, the reader, know that this is a really important and deep and intelligently-written story, and of course it’s Genesis 2:17 because the forbidden fruit isn’t an overused thematic device at all.

The first thing that struck me when I started re-reading the actual book was that it wasn’t quite as terribly written as I’d expected. I mean, it’s by no means good writing, but I have read a lot worse writing styles from far better and more beloved YA books. I did, however, get a very real sense of input from Joey Tribbiani – either Stephanie Meyer had gotten hold of some of his word of the day toilet paper, or he’d just shown her how to use a thesaurus. Some of it is too obvious, and it’s too much.

^{An actual conversation Stephanie Meyer had with an editor, probably.}

Bella is immediately unlikeable, drab, and ungrateful. I can’t believe I used to find her relatable and jump to defend her, but then I guess I was immediately unlikeable ten years ago too. Her dad buys her a car, and she’s just like “oh no it’s an old car this is terrible”. I mean, she thanks him after a while, but her immediate reaction is so frustrating. Can we also talk about how much I love Charlie? This is one of those franchises where the background characters are by and large far more interesting than the main characters and Charlie is probably my favourite character. He is a bit of a shite dad though.

We get to page nine before all the recycled “I’m not like other girls” Mary-Sue-ing starts, which is almost impressive, and can be summed up to “I’m pretty, but not too pretty, and like, I’m cool, but like, I’m also awkward and clumsy”.

One thing I genuinely love about Bella is that she knows just how much she wants to cry and when, and has terminology reflecting this. Last night I watched a 2010 X-Factor re-run and surprised myself by nearly ugly-crying at Niall Horan’s first audition, so I’m pretty much in awe of anyone who can pencil in their “real crying jag(s)” for later.

Bella is just a bit odd overall, though. Here’s a list of my favourite things she does in chapter one:

• Spends most of the chapter moaning about moving to Forks, even though she’s told on, like, page one that she doesn’t have to.
• Is “unnerved” by waterproof boots
• Is rude to someone, calls it sarcasm, and then, because this boy doesn’t get it, decides that everyone in Forks must not have a sense of humour because…clouds? I wish I was joking.
• Is literally rude to everyone, actually, and just doesn’t even bother learning people’s names.
• Goes on and on about how she’s not like other girls, mocks small town gossip, and then can’t stop staring at the five hot people in the school and mining for gossip on them. That- that sounds like all teenagers to me, Bella, you edgy twit.
• Is happy because a girl that’s made a genuine effort to be her friend got turned down by a boy she fancied?
• Moans about doing PE but also does nothing except watch four Volleyball games for an hour I think?

But by far the best part of chapter one is also one of my favourite bits of the movie: when Bella sits by Edward in class and he acts like he just can’t fucking stand her. He literally just sits next to her for this whole class, as far away as possible, all stiffness and fists clenched, making disgusted faces at her, and she’s like sniffing her hair to try and figure out why. Then, at the end of the day, Bella goes to the school office and, of course, Edward is there, but he’s arguing with this poor receptionist (in an “attractive voice” – kill me) to be removed from the same class as Bella. Then he glares at Bella with “piercing, hate-filled eyes”. The best bit is that instead of being like ‘what the actual hell is wrong with this very strange dude who has decided to hate me for no reason?’, Bella drives home trying not to cry scheduling in a cry for later. It’s just so absurd, and hilarious.

Chapter Two (Open Book)

The opening of Chapter Two is “The next day was better . . . and worse.” and I’m feeling this because I have such a love/hate relationship with ellipsis – they are so overused and overdramatic, but also they are so overused and overdramatic! Bella is just so high key dramatic and so unaware of it. She then just lists reasons day two was better, then lists the reasons it was worse – one of the latter being that “Edward Cullen wasn’t in school at all” and I’d really forgotten how early on she becomes obsessed with him. But even though it was a bad thing that he wasn’t in school, she then goes on and on about how scared she is of seeing him again. It’s not presented as someone who is conflicted in their feelings, it’s just this boy was rude and weird to her once but he’s super hot so now she’s obsessed with him. Okay I guess.

So then she goes about her day, goes food shopping, emails her mum, reads Wuthering Heights (because of course), cooks for Charlie, blah blah blah, then she’s eating dinner and Charlie just starts monologueing at her about how amazing The Cullens are, even though he’s barely spoken so far, so being weirdly obsessed with them runs in the family I guess? _{(oh I’ve just realised there’s probably a world of Charlie x Dr Cullen fanfiction out there huh)}

Then she continues on about her week quite boringly and Edward Cullen isn’t in school and that’s good but also bad. Then it snows and Edward is back. He and his brothers have had fun in the snow, but not his sisters apparently, and I’m starting to wonder if Bella is so dull because Stephanie Meyer has been so constricted by the social expectations of being both a woman and a Mormon that she has never had fun or enjoyed anything ever in her life and was entirely unaware it was possible for women.

At the end of Chapter Two our romantic leads interact properly for the first time. Bella goes to the same class from my favourite Chapter One scene and Edward is there again but this time he’s OVERLY NICE and it’s almost as funny. “Oh, I think everyone knows you’re name. The whole town’s been waiting for you to arrive.” Surely you do not think that’s a normal thing to say, Edward. The rest of the dialogue goes on with him encouraging conversation out of her and a bunch of stunted dialogue that is only a few levels away from porn dialogue, if not more pretentious. We learn a bit more about her mom and Bella doesn’t know why she’s telling him personal information, and notices he’s still clenching his arms, but seems vaguely okay with it all. Then the class ends and he runs away. The chapter ends with him laughing at her when she nearly hits another student’s car with her truck.

Though not as long as chapter one, here’s another list of weird stuff Bella does:

• Feels the need to comment on there not being a dishwasher in Charlie’s house and makes sure we know she’s done the dishes by hand. Wow. What a hero.
• Sees snow in real life for the very first time but still finds ways to be miserable about it. Then the rain washes the snow away and that makes all of her friends sad but she is happy.
• Blames Charlie for the small inconvenience of her being known as Isabella instead of Bella but she introduced herself to someone as Isabella in chapter one.
• Is intimidated by Edward’s handwriting.
• Is surprised and sad that her father remembers being married to her mother.
• actually learns a bunch of people’s names. I’m so proud of her.

Now I may only be two chapters in, but overall, I really have no idea how ten years ago I thought this was romantic, how I did not see it as ridiculous, how a large percentage of an entire generation of Western women at one point thought this rude, cold, awkward dude was desirable and how eighteen-year-old me thought this was good writing. And yet I’m still excited to read more next week (I cannot cope with any more often than that).

If you’ve read this far, thank you, and please feel free to join me as I embark on this ridiculous journey.